Here it begins,
No more work and no more pressure for ten days. When did it all start? This is difficult to answer because if I look critically – I mean really analyse myself – it started long before this episode took hold. For now I will look at where I’m at today.
My job is great. I work with great people and I have an opportunity to work with young people. I get to help young people achieve their potential. What a privileged position I’m in. They look to me for guidance and I do my best to help in whatever way I can. I’m not the best but I try my best. I try to have fun and I hope they have fun learning with me. I know we have ups and downs moving through the learning process but the ups outweigh the downs. Only this time I’ve hit the down all by myself. I can see those around me rising and I am sinking, sinking, sinking, into the unknown.
I woke up two weeks ago and was a sobbing mess. I couldn’t concentrate and I just didn’t feel all there/ or all here. My head was all over the place. My heart felt both distant and pounding. My chest was overwhelmed with tightness. My being felt challenged. I felt like I was gripping onto reality and holding on for my life. I found myself in work overwhelmed and crying my eyes out.
Silly. Juvenile. Pathetic. Embarrassing. Inadequate.
Thankfully two colleagues took me in hand and helped me back to earth. Unfortunately this was only a bandaid and wouldn’t solve the bigger fall that was impending.
A week later it came. No air. No words. Just tears. Looking for escape I hid away. In the arms of a school counsellor I received some support – unfortunately it’s now made me cautious of her. What’s with some psychology types thinking they know you without knowing you – I’m a psy type and I don’t play that game.
Now I have stopped. I’m taking Seroplex and sleeping tablets so I can sleep through the night. I’m terrified to go back out into the big bad world by myself. Today, I feel I would happily never step foot into a classroom again.
Who knows where this GAD and Panic episode will lead…